Ten-year-old Eva settles into the car's backseat for the twenty-minute ride in the dark to morning swim practice, selecting just the right wake-up music on her Mp3 player. She thinks, I get so tired of doing this every morning before school. It's been going on forever. I wish I could tell Mom I'm tired ... And those Ap (advanced placement) classes... Three hours of homework is way too much... I hate it, but I can't tell Mom ...
"Eva, you didn't hand in two assignments last week in your Ap Spanish class. You will need to stay up tonight until..."
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Eva turns up the volume, pulls her hoody over her head, scrunches down in the angle as far as she can, and thinks, Mom's all the time so mad. Seems I never do anything right. I wish they wouldn't have put me in those three Ap classes. Seems like I'm doing things all the time and never have fun. I'd truly like to draw more...
To Be Or to Do? That's the quiz, - A Case for Parenting - What's on the Inside of a Child?
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Doing, doing, doing never ends. That's what a November 30, 2009, Time magazine narrative pointed out (The Case Against Over-Parenting): Too many parents are focusing too much on performance. Based on my thirty-nine years as a child reasoning condition counselor, I agree. The focus is too much on the face of the child (performance or doing) and not sufficient on the inside of the child, "who I truly am," the being part. This being part is the most important part of a child and needs a lot of parenting attentiveness to establish fully.
Later in the day a distinct kind of parenting was happening right around the block from Eva. Twelve-year-old Michael runs into the house, just in time for dinner, "Mom, wait till you see what Andrew and I found. It's a garter snake, and I've got it in this sack. Can I put it in our old fish tank?"
Mom gulps, tries to stay calm as she takes the just-baked fish out of the oven. "Sure, but just for overnight. No, I don't want to hold it." As she puts the vegetables on Michael's and Becky's plates, trying hard to not think about the snake, she reflects: Michael's so happy since I took him out of that high-powered school with the three hours of homework every night. He's got time to play... And it sure helps to use the stuff from that class about focusing on what's inside a child and decreasing what a kid does when it's too much; I'm seeing who Michael truly is. Makes my job easier not to be hassled by all that homework, especially doing all this by myself. Whew, life's better...
By now Michael's seeing for the tank in the garage, just not to let the sack open, and his thoughts are racing: This is so much fun. My mom's all the time letting me do fun stuff. This is so much more fun than playing soccer every night like I had to last year. So glad I could tell Mom I just didn't like soccer. Now I can play with my friends more...
That's being, being, being "who I Am" from the inside out. This being part was left out of the November Time article. The media focuses primarily on the face parts of a child: "Is spanking okay?"; "Is yelling the new discipline?"; "It's withdrawing love if you consequence children"; "Disciplining children needs to happen a lot more." The media surprisingly omits consulation about the inside part of a child, the significance of developing the uniqueness of a child and how to do it.
Developing the inside of a child is the most important parenting task. Here's the resounding, underlying message I've heard from over twenty-five hundred children: "I need Mom and Dad to accept me for just who I am instead of just what I do." This need is life-essential, equal to feeling the need for food.
Because we want the very best for our children, it's easy to fall into the trap of doing too much. Developing your child from the inside out sounds complicated, but with the right guidelines it's doable. That's what I'll cover next. But first we need to briefly understand the human mechanics of both a child and a parent. How can we get the best carrying out out of a new car if we don't understand what makes the car run best and know what to do and not do? Here are the important points:
Child "mechanics":
- Children are born fundamentally good. Their life-essential need is to establish and vocalize the confidence of "I'm good," "I'm acceptable," "I'm lovable."
- "I'm acceptable" needs to be based on "who I am on the inside" and not "what I do on the outside."
- The most important life motivator for a child is to feel and believe "I'm good."
- Self-confidence flourishes when the child feels consistent acceptance from parents (and teachers), particularly while difficult times.
- Feelings are the direct representation and passage to "who I am" at the core of a child. Validating feelings = "I'm acceptable," "I'm good."
- Feelings conclude behavior. Behavioral changes are easier when feelings are the former parental focus.
- Children wish firm, respectful, consistent limit-setting (discipline-training and teaching). Why? The human condition simply wants immediate gratification-"I want it now, my way." Doesn't work. Humans need to be trained to delay "what I want now." It's a important life skill that requires consistent training, and it's much great to do it while childhood than later in life.
- Wrong behavior needs to be understood as (1) a mistake, not "I'm bad" and (2) "My wrong behavior is only a part of who I am, not all of who I am.
- Children have a consistent internal desire for independence. Parents' quarterly attentiveness to this human drive fosters resilience.
Parent "mechanics":
- A parent's instinct is to want the best for his or her children. This instinctual love has unlimited potential. Skills need to be learned to fully unleash the power of parental love.
- Parents have three natural tendencies that limit their parental love: (1) They parent the way they were parented; (2) they automatically assume the child should think, feel, and behave identically to the parent; (3) they focus almost exclusively on behavior with dinky to no attentiveness to feelings. They put the parental cart before the horse, not realizing feelings are the energy source for behavior. Deal with behavior second, feelings first.
Skills need to be learned to significantly sacrifice these three tendencies:
- A parent's excessive anger stifles a child's potential. Anger causes fear. Too much fear is emotional poison.
- Parents expect far too much from themselves; it's just part of wanting the best for a child. Feeling guilty happens a lot. A good dose of forgiveness and tolerance for parenting imperfections is a must. Some yelling and doing the "wrong thing" is inevitable. Children who feel "I'm good" based on quarterly acceptance can truly deal with the occasional parenting mistake, especially when parents admit their mistakes.
Here are some tips for focusing on the inside part of your child:
- Parent from the perspective that children are born fundamentally good. all the time validate feelings first and then deal with behavior. Then a child feels valued and respected, "I'm good." It's the best starting point for productive discussions and problem-solving.
- Discipline (teaching and training) with firm, respectful, consistent limit-setting.
- Do not automatically parent in the same way you were parented, unless you had model parents.
- Keep your anger low.
- Put aside your feelings and thoughts when first enchanting with your child. (Feels truly clumsy at first, but it's doable with practice.)
- Find out your child's thoughts and feelings straight through request questions. (It's empowering.) Use this information from your child as the starting point for discussions or problem-solving. Your child will feel accepted. Effect at all times the 75/25 rule: Listen 75 percent of the time; talk 25 percent (and do most of your talking in the form of request questions).
To be or to do-that's the examine posed at the starting of this article. I'm sure Shakespeare did not have the above answers in mind. But from my clinical experience, the take-home reply is this: Direct your former parenting attentiveness toward what's inside your child, and then watch your child blossom. The result: a happy, respectful child-every parent's dream.
To Be Or to Do? That's the quiz, - A Case for Parenting - What's on the Inside of a Child?
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